Because I feel like I have fucked everything up once again. Because I feel like I can’t do anything right. Because I am now going to lose someone who means a lot to me. Because I just can’t catch a break. Because the only thing I know to do is feel sorry.

I’m worthless


Where have I been

Hey all I’m back,

You might be wondering where have I been. Well welcome to the most fucking insane story I can tell that is all true.

So if you have been reading my blogs you would know how I’ve had a thing with a co-worker and than it going to shit and all that. Well she is back again and once again I am in a shitty place again (shocker….nope). Well so a few weeks ago we had to work with each other and we ironed things out and realized we really liked each other. So for the next few weeks we talked and it seemed to be going well and it seemed I had a shot again at her being mine… Well guess what…. NOPE

So Wednesday last week was my Birthday and it ended up snowing bad so she manged to come over to what I thought would be a night of being romantic and maybe some sexual time. Nope nothing… She ended up on her phone the whole night… I never even got one kiss….and since than I have realized that I feel for this trap again. FML but ya so that is what has gone on. I may write more soon but for now I need to finish homework as I have been super depressed since that day.

Love you all

Well We Talked

So my boss failed to tell me he schedule her yesterday. I wasn’t ready at all. The girl who meant so much to me now would be standing feet away from me. Well it went better than I could of hoped. The first 45 minutes of the day was awkward and we didn’t say a word to each other. Finally she broke the ice and things went fine till she got off of work. Than of all things she texted me that night. And we both know things will never be the same. We probably can never be friends again. One thing though she is also wanting to have a day to talk things out in person. I’m glad that can happen as I need that the most. It sucks that I just can’t keep moving but at least that will help.

Two Weeks Later

It has been two weeks since we called everything off. Two weeks since we last talked. Two weeks since I’ve hugged someone. Two weeks since this pain has impacted my life. Two weeks that you have been fucking around.

I still don’t know why you haven’t texted me to see how I am. We were suppose to be friends after and you don’t even know how much I hate you once I learned everything. Did I really mean nothing to you is all I can keep on thinking. Did you wish me gone from the moment you fucked that guy from the camp you worked at? Who knows… I should be over you by now but somehow I can’t let it go. I’ve tried so hard to but yet one thing or another happens and than it makes me hurt again. Will we talk before we worked together the 17th or not is the biggest question? I hope you know you fucked up and karma is waiting to make you pay. I did nothing wrong during all of this. I was honest, caring, loving, and¬†waited for you. You on the other hand, used me, lied to me, and disgraced me. One day this may get cleared up but until than FUCK YOU!

A Letter to My Ex Lover

Dear C,

Where did it all go wrong? Was it the day I met you back in June. Sitting on the bench in the backroom where we work. Should I have known that day we would be at opposite sides of a fight I would of never thought of you as someone I could date. At that time I did though, because you were beautiful on the inside and out. How could I have known I was going to be your scapegoat away from that boy who did so much wrong to you. How could I have known that within three weeks of cutting him off you would make me do the same to you. How could I have known that you would become a whore sleeping around with so many man but yet never with me. How could I have known that two weeks after being ending it all I would still be so hurt by you and yet you don’t give a flying fucking about me.

What happened between us? Did I not mean a thing to you at all? Was I the person you needed to escape that terrible guy and than move on. I know one day I will heal and remember you as such a terrible person but right now all I need is answers. I know I will never get them from you because you are too special to yourself. You said we would be friends always but I know now that will never happen. Your immaturity cost you the best person in your life. I hope you do find someone better but I will be honest I doubt you will.

Did you ever care? These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. The reason I can’t get over the pain. Was I just a pawn in your scheme. I wonder if you think of me at night at all. Or are you too busy getting fucked by your next victim. I hope you know I loved you and was ready to give you my all. That takes me awhile to do and you just took advantage of my caring nature and abused me. Abused me worse than any girl before you. The fact my last ex girlfriend took me out to dinner and checks to see if I’m OK says more than what you have done. Part of me wishes your life would be horrible and you finally get what you deserve. Part of me wants you to see the mistakes you’ve made and live a happy life. Either way I highly doubt I will be apart of it either way. You have some huge things you would have to do if you ever want me as a friend again.

As I sit here writing this with the song that reminds of you playing, my heart heals. One day you will be a nasty little memory that someone amazing will replace and I will only tell stories of you to my children as a warning to never become or find ¬†people like you. Sure you have freedom now but when you want someone to love you will get fucked over again and again till you finally mature and look back on your life and see I was the greatest damn thing that ever happened to you. Like you said to me, you will end up married and divorced like your parents and that wouldn’t surprise me at all. I tried my best and that is all I can do.

So goodbye ex lover. I wish you the best but also the worst and that I’m HONEST about unlike you. Enjoy those guys at your medical convention this weekend and all those “friends” you have now.

Your ex-lover and soon to be ex-coworker,

S. M